The following letter entitled, “Dear Red States” has been making the rounds of emails and blogs.  I thought it might make sense for the Red States to reply so I took the liberty.  Here is the original letter as I received it and the Red States’ reply.


Dear Red States…
     We’ve decided we’re leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we’re taking the other Blue States with us.

     In case you aren’t aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to  the people of the new country of New California.

     To sum up briefly:  You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.  We get stem cell research and the best beaches.   We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood.  We get Intel, Apple and Microsoft. You get Enron and WorldCom.  We get Harvard.  You get Ole’ Miss.  We get 85 percent of America ‘s venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama and Arkansas.   We get two-thirds of the tax revenue; you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

     Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition’s, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

     Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we’re going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they’re apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don’t care if you don’t show pictures of their children’s caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we’re not willing to spend our resources in Bush’s Quagmire.

     With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80% of the country’s fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 %  of the nation’s fresh fruit, 95 % of America’s quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90% of all cheese, 90% of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus  
Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

     With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92% of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 % of the hurricanes, 99 % of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 % of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

     We get Hollywood,  Yosemite, and the Adirondacks , thank you.  Additionally, 38 % of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 % believe life is sacred unless we’re discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44% say that  evolution is only a theory, 53 % that Saddam was involved in 9/11, and 61% of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.

Peace out,
Blue States



Dear Blue States,

     We appreciate your letter and think you make some good points, some that we should take to heart.

     We do, however, think you’re decision to leave us is just a bit hasty.  Maybe we should seek counseling and see if we can’t find common ground and stay together.  At one point, we all agreed that we were good together and did great things as a team.  Throwing all that away just because we are a bit at odds with each other right now seems a bit rash and emotional.  It could be a decision that we live to regret. 

     We don’t want to take the time to do the research to prove or disprove any of your points or ours.  That would be counterproductive if we are serious about getting together again.  We are serious and hope you will at least humor us by sitting at the table for us to discuss our differences and how we might once again work together as one team.

     We need to point out a few things to you that we should consider when we get together with a counselor:    Your group would might find that all that food you enjoy is grown, in large part, by Republicans, whether they live in “Red or Blue” states.  You might also discover that your states have a much bigger crime problem with its attendant costs. 

     Saying things like “…you crazy bastards believe you are people of higher morals than we lefties” is cute but neglects a lot of the little things.  Take for example your feminist wing dissing Sarah Palin as ‘stupid and unqualified’ in the same sentence in which they say they know nothing about her;   your candidates saying they want education reform and change, yet they take huge donations from and give complete backing to the NEA which has done more to hold back education reform than any group in our country.  

     Maybe you want to think about whether it is more important to place blame than to achieve solutions.  There is plenty of blame to go around and no party will win that game.  We think it is shameful that most of our politicians on both sides have chosen to fight negative campaigns.  It is our fault though.  We both encourage it and are swayed by it. 

     In brief, I think we all need to come together, not split apart.  We hope that the best man wins each of the elections before us in the next few days.  Once the people have voted, let’s start talking and find our common ground.  Let’s become the graceful winners and the loyal opposition.  Let’s see how we can pull together to solve problems and lead productive lives.

     Last we checked, calling one another names serves only to throw salt in a wound and make it that much harder for it to heal.  

     Hoping to be United again,

The Red States